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From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike
Magazine:
The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police
Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police
were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged
in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery
was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their
heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in
a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed
out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker
had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory
air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.
Great Moments in Aircraft Maintenance From the "squawk
sheets"...
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem:
"Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off:
"IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right
main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief
search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces
a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers
to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Source: Unknown
You Won't Believe This
EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAA ACCIDENT REPORT EYEWITNESS
STATEMENT
AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172 PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR FATALITIES:
None DAMAGE: Substantial DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1992
WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport
Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1992. Line
boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it
off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.
Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrape pigeon
droppings off wind-screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot
finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get
the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.
Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute.
Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although
starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew
the smoke away.
Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot
said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't
far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped.
Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing
tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when
it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and
was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway.
Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement
plant.
When he taxied back in to have the tire changed,
he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness,
who saw the take-off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north.
Takeoff looked fairly normal-- nose came up about 300 ft down the runway.
At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice--then cut power and applied
the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell
out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with
diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.
After several real loud runups at the end, he
turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into
the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up
real steep like one of them jet fighter planes--to about 300 ft--then the
engine quit!
Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda
like that Art School guy-- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she
started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway;
put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to
do an Immelman!
The engine quit again and he turned right and
I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but
he pulled her up--went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with
the NSE&W things--over the building then bounced the main wheels off
the roof of 3 different cars in the lot--a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr.
Brown's new El Dorado.
When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared
to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her
down--once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside
the runway. He taxied into the ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more
gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake.
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he
had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.
From: Tim Adams
Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can
get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the
plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both
appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers
right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first
the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical
joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane
starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses
for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway
left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams
at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!"
Source: Unknown
High Flight, with FAA Supplement
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered
wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling
mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared
and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung(11)
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy
grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of
God.
(from John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight")
FAA SUPPLEMENT to "High Flight"
1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have
been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew
and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts
as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum
permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining
the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under
VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front
of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be
attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility
class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur
only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. “Hov’ring there" will constitute a highly
reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available
from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be
reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless
halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining
separation from other eager craft.
12.Should any crewmember or passenger experience
delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon
flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum
of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations. 14. Aircraft engine
ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the
FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed
sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological
conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening
doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of
cabin pressure.
Source: Paul Tomblin (ptomblin@xcski.com)
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF...................
Your stall warning plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets
as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer
parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the
airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock. The
side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got
us a convoy".
Your matched set of luggage is 3 grocery sacks
from Piggly Wiggly.
You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the
side.
You fuel your airplane from a mason jar.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger
window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding
your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover,
grass and wheat from the landing gear.
You figure the weight of mud and manure on your
airplane into the CG calculations.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in
your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport,
although you've been flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High
Altitude".
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John
Deere".
You've never really actually seen a sectional,
but have all the Texaco road maps for your area (but they're 20 years old).
You answer all calls from female controllers
with "That's a big ten-four little Darlin'."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of
your aircraft and tabacco stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the
sheep and goats.
You use your parachute to cover your plane.
You've landed on the main street of your town
for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing
contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't
match. Or, there is no tread pattern on your main gear tires.
Your best com radio has 90 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic
compass.
You have a bale of hay and a hound in the baggage
compartment.
Your instructor's day job was at the community
sale barn.
You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical
fin.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
There is a brown-stained styrofoam cup strategically
stored in the glove box.
The FAA still thinks your mailing address is
your parent's house.
You think ZULU time means something to do with
Africa.
Your hangar collapses and more than four dogs
are injured.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather
be fishing".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music
stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey,
y'all, watch this!"
Source: Aero
Com: Aviation Information & Products
A Quick-Thinking Pilot...
A friend of mine, who has a quick wit, owns a Cherokee
180. One day he was told by the tower to hold short of the runway in a
taxiway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, performed a 180
and taxied back past my friend. One of the DC-8 crew said, "What a cute
little plane, did you make it yourself?" My friend replied, "I made it
out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have parts enough
for another one."
...and one not-so-quick-thinking Fire Marshall:
I turned on the 10 O'clock channel 9 news here
in LA recently, and saw where a single engine plane (identified as Aero
Commander) went down short of the Burbank airport. Both people on board
survived. The pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage and
said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock and was trying to make Burbank.
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall
in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on
board."
SHORT FINAL... I remember my Air force instructor
telling all the other students at our table that he wasn't worried about
me killing myself in that 700 MPH jet--I grinned and beamed--then he added
"...because he is so far behind the airplane that if it crashes he won't
get hurt."
The best definition of jet lag I've ever heard
is "finding your wallet in the refrigerator and not remembering what you
did with the milk".
Airliner: How far behind traffic are we? Approach:
Three miles. Airliner: That doesn't look like three miles to us. Approach:
You're a mile-and-a-half from him, he's a mile-and-a-half from you...that's
three miles!
OVERHEARD IN THE AIRPORT LOUNGE: I was checking
in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything
in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why
we ask."
COW JAM: According to Reuters, the dazed crew
of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this
year clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue was followed
by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their
ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue
sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking
the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until
the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the
crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at
the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and
hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew
was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold.
To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the
cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Source: AVWEB
Squawk List
Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in
center during turns. Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first
coordinated turn!
Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Problem: Pilot's clock inoperative. Solution:
Wound clock.
Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel
imbalance reaches 500 pounds. Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel
imbalance to 300 pounds.
Problem: #2 ADF needle runs wild. Solution: Caught
and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Source: AVWEB
I Love Aviation
A fellow walked into a bar one evening, near Miami
international airport. He sat down at the bar and asked for a beer. The
bartender noticed that he smelled pretty bad as he served him.
Pretty soon, people started getting up from the
bar and moving away from this guy. After he finished his beer the bartender
walked over to him and as he got close, he noticed the bad smell again.
It was pretty rank. The man then asked for another beer. The bartender
said, "Well, OK, but this will have to be the last one."
The man said, "I know, I know, this usually happens."
The bartender brought him the beer and said to
him, "Well, tell me about it, how come you smell so bad?"
The man started telling his story. "I work over
at the airport. My job is to empty the toilet tanks on the airliners after
they land. I drive a truck up to the planes and I connect the hose to empty
them. Sometimes the seal where the hose goes on isn't always so good, or
an old hose leaks a little, and a little bit of the stuff gets on me. Then
even worse, on occasion, the whole hose has been known to drop off while
it's draining and I just get soaked in the mess. When that happens you
can just can't wash it off. You wash repeatedly, and put on clean clothes,
but the smell just won't go away for days.
The bartender listened to the man (while he's
wiping a glass) and said to him, "Well, that's really awful. Why don't
you try to get a new job?"
The man looked at him incredulously and said,
"What! And get out of aviation?"
Source: Unknown
ZEN THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman
around to hear him,
is he still wrong?
Source: Unknown
Famous ATIS Responses
257, Do you have Charlie? Tower, 257, Negative, we
left him back at the hanger!
257, Do you have Echo? Tower, 257, Negative, recieving
you loud and clear!
257, Do you have Hotel? Tower, 257, Negative,
We are staying with friends!
257, Do you have Juliet? Tower, 257, Negative,
and please don't say anything to my wife!
257, Do you have Kilo? Tower, 257, Negative, but
I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!
257, Do you have Mike? Tower, 257, Negative, I
have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
257, Do you have Oscar? Tower, 257, Negative,
but I'm expecting a nomination this year!
257, Do you have Popa? Tower, 257, Negative, but
I wrote him a letter last week!
257, Do you have Romeo? Tower, 257, Negative,
Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
257, Do you have Uniform? Tower, 257, Negative,
just jeans and sweatshirt!
257, Do you have Victor? Tower, 257, Negative,
Who is Victor?
257, Do you have Xray? Tower, 257, Negative, my
doctor wants a CAT Scan!
257, Do you have Whiskey? Tower, 257, Negative,
not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?
Source: Bill Turcotte, DO, turco002@gold.tc.umn.edu
Airline Humor
Heard in an Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:
How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb? By the
bend of the earth!
Seen in FLIEGERMAGAZIN, Germany:
Landing Rating Scale:
5. Marvelous, ace. Couldn't do better myself.
4. I've seen better; just can't remember when.
3. Average. I could do better with my eyes closed.
2. You going to log all of those?
1. That wasn't a landing; that was an arrival.
0. Go get the trailer, boys.
Source: George Patterson
An Oldie but Goodie!
A new mother boarded the a/c w/ her little inf. Very
proudly gracing her way to her seat...and settling in.. she uncovers the
infant's head..
Psgr seated next to her said, 'Lady, that is the
ugliest baby I've ever seen, IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A MONKEY!'
The new mother became extremely upset and started
crying... The F/A heard the lady crying and walked over to console her.
F/A: Ma'm may I get something for you? Coffee,
tea, milk, or a banana for your monkey?
Source: Brenda Moss-Clifton, brendamc@bws.com
Airline Humor
Reportedly true, I know the controller, and can believe
it:
ATC: "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain
flight level two seven zero." Delta23:"Delta 23, roger." (three minutes
later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, still at FL 350) ATC: "Delta 23,
did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two
seven zero?" Delta23:"uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first
officer took that clearance" ATC: "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow
his notes?"
I know this one is true, I was the controller:
ATC: "Critter 127, maintain flight level two niner
zero, traffic twelve o'clock, niner miles, opposite direction at flight
level two eight zero, King Air." Critter:"Critter 127, roger." ATC: "Critter,
correction, your traffic at flight level two eight zero is a Beech Starship."
Critter:"Critter, roger, we have the backwards King Air in sight."
[for the unfamiliar, a Starship is an aircraft
with "pusher" engines, and a canard wing]
Source: RbnHood@aol.com
Aviation Theological Philosophy?
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Source: Unknown
Soap: As the Prop turns
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with
a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice,
I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
Source: Unknown
Lose One On Takeoff
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for
his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a
guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was
there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135
inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects,
sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist,
well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that
the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his
lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun
for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose one on
takeoff..."
Source: Unknown
Old but Still Funny!
A student was having difficulty with his landings.
Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night
lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing
that? You have so much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the
approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."
Source: Unknown
The 32 Greatest Lies in Aviation
* I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you. * Me?
I've never busted minimums. * We will be on time, maybe even early. * Pardon
me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys. * I have no interest in flying
for the airlines. * I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed
for other reasons. * All that turbulence spoiled my landing. * I'm a member
of the mile high club. * I only need glasses for reading. * I broke out
right at minimums. * The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to
VFR. * Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly. * If we get
a little lower I think we'll see the lights. * I'm 22, got 6000 hours,
a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear. * We shipped the part yesterday.
* All you have to do is follow the book. * This plane outperforms the book
by 20 percent. * We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
* Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft. * I have
5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument. * No need to look that
up, I've got it all memorized. * Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't
it? * We'll be home by lunchtime. * Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
* I'm always glad to see the FAA. * We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent
training. * It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
* I thought YOU took care of that. * I've got the field in sight. * I've
got the traffic in sight. * Of course I know where we are. * I'm SURE the
gear was down.
Source: Unknown
P-51 Time (Parker 51 That Is!)
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long
Island: Local fellow working his way up had padded his logbook with extra
twin time. For a couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of
a twin he'd seen passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from
far away, and headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport
nearby. After the ride the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking
the totals.
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?"
asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked,
just down the line.
Source: Unknown
Local San Jose, California Humor
Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after
a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right
at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
101 back to the airport.
Source: Unknown
IMHO: The Greatest Student Letter of All Times
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning
certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank
that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me
I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my
full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after
I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking.
Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week,
when I soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings
and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me >From another exciting
experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment,
and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a
town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant
that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little
concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks
and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle
had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would.
There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured
that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local
operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down
for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly,
intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately
saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called
it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't
say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for
some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition
switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be
necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane.
That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles
and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this
in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and
those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they
said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway,
all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of
other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully
left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The
tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed
kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some
kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began
yelling at the same time and made such a racket htat I just turned off
the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained.
Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three
hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was
straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner,
I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so
hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a
bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the
scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be
disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't
we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the
ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield,
there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite
easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out
of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur
I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was
standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor
to look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in his
eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are.
By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and
unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough
to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor. I
am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong with it
since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there
except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was
real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You
just can't trust anybody in this business except yourseelf, right? Why,
there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning.
I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way
it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having
gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway,
just then an emergency occured because the engine quit. It really didn't
worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other
ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right
on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor.
If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes
should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities
very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and
keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep
because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the
lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard
to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran
off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying
being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted
an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we
were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It
was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already
see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that
we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these
military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it
but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought
to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer.
Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they
kept talkig about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I
wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case
that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving
at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before.
One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about
something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't
think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his
face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home
because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital
there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor
fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please
send my new license airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
Source: Unknown
Student Humor
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot,
I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to
best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I
just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Source: Unknown
Wierd Pilot Humor
On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain
was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane."
He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being
on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry
about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight
seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over
the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little
pilot humor..."
Source: Unknown
Military Humor
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore"
he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American
(Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded)
instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something
like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final
for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed
to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this
big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots
now 1 1/2 miles moments later): ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird
back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown,
helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little "Sir, do you know what the stall
speed of this here miffed): C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can
probably tell you."
Source: Unknown
Tongue Tied
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell
this story on himself and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying
an Army UH-1H, Huey, one day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened
to all of us, probably, at one time or another, he just couldn't seem to
get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he
said.
Center asked him some simple question and his
reply went something like this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter
15789...uh 15987. We'd like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000
and then practice a shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse,
uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after
finally getting the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool
there was a short period of silence over the radio before someone (who
he said you could tell was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the
vicinity) came back with a very short comment of "Hire the handicapped".
He said that he never felt so stupid in his life as he did about then.
Source: Unknown
ATC Humor
Tower:"12345, are you a Cessna?"
12345:"No....I am a male hispanic."
Source: Unknown
ATC Humor
Controller sitting next to me is trying to change
Mooney 45Q to my freq, but gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may
have already switched to my freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot
who knew it was coming, he asks me to check.
Me: "Mooney 45Q, are you on this frequency?"
45Q:"Negative. But I should be any time now."
Source: Unknown
Student Humor
while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest
Denver area airport) I heard:
An obvious student in a AH Jeffco Tower this is
ah Cessna N2132B final for Cessna 152: ah runway ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when
you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!
Source: Unknown
Warp Factor Five.... Engage!
One of my instructors in FE school told me about
this. Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the
engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that
he was transmitting on Unicom instead of over the ICS:
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers
like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just
like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!
Followed shortly afterward by:
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain
Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"
Source: Unknown
ATIS Problems
Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown
before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for
landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut
down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell
them that I was with you?"
Source: Unknown
ATC Humor
Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL
watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down
and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure
release.
"I'm going to get that commuter out between those
two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely*
enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor,
the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way
for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear
"if this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"
Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter
123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually
comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time
IMHO) is:
"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be
ready for a miracle."
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the
then commuter pilot says "Tower, I think under the circumstances we better
just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."
Source: Unknown
Glider Humor
A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider
being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause.
Source: Unknown
Lost? I mean...Location Challenged
A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position
but he had a town in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller
told him to descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it said
on the side, climb back up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes
the pilot called back and said, "Approach, I found the water tower". The
controller, looking rather pleased, asked "And what did it say on the side?"
The pilot replied, "It said Seniors, 1978".
Source: Unknown
Progressive Taxi
Tower:Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear
of Runway 16, Cessna in the pattern doing touch and go's.
Me: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive
taxi instructions?
Tower:Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG
WAY, Sir...(brief instructions)...and remain clear of 16.
Me: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
Tower:Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna
123 fly through final, 270 to 16.
Me: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors?
No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you repeat that last?"
Tower:Cessna 123, fly through your final, right
270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)
Tower:...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause,
but shorter this time)
Me: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will
call final.
Source: Unknown
ATC Humor
The tower was having some difficulty working a student
pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;
TOWER:95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER:95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER:95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet"
on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read
it now.
TOWER:95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please
give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
Source: Unknown
ATC Humor
I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area
the other day, when I heard a new-sounding student call up, inbound for
a landing, with his instructor sitting next to him, shouting prompts in
the background over the engine noise....
N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna
5123B) CESSNA 5123B (7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND
FOR LANDING (with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!
Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!
LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position
from background] (Cessna 23B)
[Tower] CESSNA 23B
(report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE
RIGHT BASE
(runway 32) RUNWAY 32
N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW,
HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY, REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B
Source Unknown
ATC Humor
I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA
yesterday:
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
Source Unknown
Mistaken Identity
About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta
on the line. The Sales Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something
we could handle, so I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive
about 20 or so miles south of Kansas City.
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me
over to Kansas City Int'l in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta.
Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line
of airliners in order to land......
KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is
a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern
drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if
it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Source Unknown
More Jokes On the Way!
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