My Favorite Aviation Jokes - Part 2Joke Source Provided When KnownIf joke is yours, let me know and you'll get credit.There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. ( Submitted by: Xena )
Barely Belive ItIn Alaska, pilots are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing just in case they have to make an emergency landing in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Pilots are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell Grizzly droppings because they have tiny bells in them. Submitted by: GOLDPILOT@aol.com
Henny Youngman Aviation JokesGetting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her,"You did it last week!" I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. The food on the plane was fit for a king."Here, King!"
On a Wing and an Ice Floe"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs". Reference: Audobon Society Magazine
Flying Over YellowstoneA photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor? Submitted by: "Mark R. Juchter" <mjuchter@erie.net>
Nothing Harrier Than ThisTwo members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).
The Current JokeA pilot goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." Source: Unknown
GroundedHeard on the frequency at BNA (Nashville, Tennessee): A/C: "Hey, that altimeter setting we got put us 15 feet underground!" TWR: "Well, up-periscope and taxi to the ramp!" Source: AVWEB
I Need More SpaceMIR Accident Report After extensive investigation by both the Russian and US agencies, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In a terse statement at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday: "We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only... OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! Source: Unknown
Stew on That!The crew was beginning to worry as they waited in the hotel lobby. The crew bus would arrive soon and there was no sign of the new young Flight Attendant, on her first layover. When the Senior F/A called her room to see if she was OK, the somewhat upset reply was "I can't get out of my room!" When asked if the door was stuck, she replied "No, there's no door to get out." She went on to explain "There are three doors. One leads to the closet, another to the bathroom, and the third door has a sign hanging on the knob that says `DO NOT DISTURB'!" Source: AVWEB
1996 Darwin Winner (JATO)The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as coould be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Source: Unknown
No Thanks, I'll HoldA new controller (also a pilot) was working tower local with a commuter airplane waiting to takeoff. He’s been waiting for along time with many airplanes separated by a mile and a half for tens of miles on final. Finally one airplane has a mile and three quarter spacing and the controller tells his observing journeyman, “I’m going to try and get him out.” The journeyman says, “Hey many, you’ll need a miracle to get this guy out.” The local controller keys his mic and accidentally inserts part of the journeyman’s phrase into the sentence. He says, “OK Skywest, taxi into position and hold and be ready for a miracle., over.” The pilot hesistates then says, “Ahhh, tower, we don’t feel that luck today.” Source: Unknown
Playing the NumbersFrom An Unknown Location: ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." Then, ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots," when it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the plane in front. This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew STILL had not slowed the airplane. Finally, the now frustrated controller said, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either SLOW to it or TURN to it!" Source: AVWEB
Kids, Ya Gotta Love Em'The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were supposedly gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. Some seem to apply to the art of flight... - The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. - Clouds are high flying fogs. - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. - Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. - Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. - Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. - Rain is saved up in cloud banks. - A blizzard is when it snows sideways. - A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. - Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. - Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Source: AVWEB
Notes From AboveA quick-thinking pilot left without a radio when his electrical systems failed reached for his airsickness bags, but not because he was nauseated. Daryl Dickerson, 44, scrawled notes on the bags and tossed them out as he and instructor Ray Keough flew over the Grants Pass airport early Monday. ``Is our gear down and locked?'' Dickerson wrote. He asked people to cross their arms if the wheels on his Piper Comanche weren't down. ``About 10 people crossed their arms,'' he said. ``We knew we were in trouble.'' Dickerson headed for Rogue Valley International-Medford Airport. On the way, he and Keough dropped the gear manually before they landed safely about 9:30 a.m. He said he wasn't alarmed because he knew the Medford airport was equipped for an emergency landing. ``Any landing you walk away from is a good one,'' Keough said. Source: Unknown
Flying Stuff--LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." --Tower: "Have you got enough fuel or not?" Pilot: "Yes." Tower: "Yes what?" Pilot: "Yes, SIR!" --Tower: "Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: "OK, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice." --Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." --Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign !" Pilot: "I'm not stupid..." --Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "Leipzig, as always on Monday" Tower: "But today is Tuesday !" Pilot: "What!? we have the day off on Tuesday!" --Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading." Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..." --Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!" --Eggenfelden Info : "D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : "Pilot and two pax and one dog." Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) : "Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog?" --Tower: "Height and position please?" Pilot: "well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side" --Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right onheading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation. Read back." GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil." Source: Unknown
QUOTES: Aviator LogicIt's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here. An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross, but it won't fly without fuel. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em off. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. Too many pilots are found in the wreckage with their hands around a microphone or holding onto a keyboard. Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. Fly it until the last piece stops moving. No one has ever collided with the sky. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds. A thunderstorm is natures way of saying "Up yours." Keep looking around, there's always something you missed. Remember, you're always a student in an airplane. Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly, but have no place to go. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. A jet fighter in the air is a dual emergency: Low on fuel and on fire. A single engine jet is a triple emergency. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain. A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory. The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle down. A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A great landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver. Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. Things which do you no good in aviation: - Altitude above you. - Runway behind you. - Fuel in the truck. - Half a second in history. - Approach plates in the car. - The airspeed you don't have. A smooth touchdown in a simulator is about as exciting as kissing your sibling. Three things kill young pilots in Alaska: weather, weather and weather. Fuel is life. Source: Unknown
MORE QUOTESCarl Zwanzig "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Rich Cook "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Edward P. Tryon "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." Max Frisch "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Woody Allen "I'm astounded by people who want to "know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Fred Hoyle "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Christopher Morley "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." Source: Unknown
Huh?FSS Briefer: "Threshold of runway 28 is displaced 277 feet." Pilot: "It that MSL or AGL?" Source: AVWEB
Crazy StoryA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" Source: Unknown
Location ChallengedA student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" "When I was number one for takeoff," replied the student. Source: AVWEB
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